f a u l t i n e s s

"you, youve been looking at me just a little too long, now I can never look the same. blindness and kindness, theres no difference in the two when I can no longer see the good in you. so wont you show me a little shame. cause now i wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept. I get through crying and Im sadder then before I wept. you change your mind so many times, I wonder if you have a mind at all. and Id rather be by myself than to have your lonesome company come to call. so wont you show me a little shame." ben harper

im aware that as far as the laws of the time-space continuum go = you and i have limited control of our movements IN time... so accordingly, it's all we can do to make the most of a passing moment, eh? but im quite curious - have you considered the amount of time that does take place from..... oh, i don't know.... the month of june until the month of august? because if you have not - my dear - i'll tell you now, i guess like i should have told you then; bitch.

(yes, i did just use a semicolon; bitch. i find that my reference to you is much more of an independent clause than it's predecessor. so much that i almost used a period. bitch.)

i've been pretty down and out in the bold new city of the south lately - so it is with much pride i tell you that being able to piece this all together convincingly is the greatest success of my most recent days spent. i suppose i cannot blame you for taking advantage of me when i've been running around here like a webble wobble. but you should know that i do blame you for most everything else.

every time i feel this way it feels just like the first time i felt this way. for that i know that i'm not any of those things i thought i had grown to be. i have been mopping about this until i did figure it all out. then i was angry, really angry. as i started to ventilate my anger i actually found remorse for your little toy soldier. i guess i am growing up; you'll be sorry.

i feel like everything i know is a lie

"you can doubt anything if you think about it long enough. cause what happened always adjusts to fit what happened after that. and its hard to feel like you are free when all you seem to do is referee. remember when it was just you and me steppin up to bat? and win or lose- just that you choose this little war - is what kills you" ani difranco

i don't know what i'm doing. i feel frantic and anxious. worried; just how fast i can pull it off this time? every time = i try to pretend it's forever. i lower my standards with every adventure.

i'm worried that it's all passing by right in front of me. i don't want to be left behind but it's obvious that my train's departure was long ago. so what do i do now? where do i go?

i'm still here. if i could find myself farther away than by default....... i'll find my sanity. i'm so much more terrified of going backwards than standing still that it all passes me by just the same. after years of fucking around, i should have some clue. something, anything, at all.

perhaps there is a larger misconception about one's role as a twenty-something than they are letting on? this is how i blame everyone else... nice touch, eh?

i will be looking for a job and wondering if i should be looking for more. i've made a mess - and so i'm going to clean it up.

"four hours to daylight, four hours and then. pour water on me til i live again. when Iris sleeps over it'll be alright. all last night. but come on, nobody wants that... sister, sister, oh oh oh... we tried hour by hour." the breeders

so i've been having a ton of trouble sleeping lately. i have an anxiety problem - though, usually, i can just blank my mind out and get to sleep... but ever since *she dumped me this little miracle has been harder and harder to preform. and perhaps *she is exactly the reason why.

... being in texas longer than i had intended is causing much anxiety. it makes me feel like the real kind of failure = the kind that dropping out of school three times before i'm twenty-three couldn't make me feel. school is not for everyone and that's something i can cope with - justifying it, however, involves finding some other release / form of happiness. i don't know what it is about getting out of texas that equals success in my mind.

so. what AM i going to do with my life? i keep coming forth and back between a few ideas -there just isn't ONE thing i want to do the most. really, its just a matter of enie meanie minie moe. if i could get away with taking only history and english classes and have it mean something i totally would. since i dont have an answer for this life crisis question i guess im just going to have to become used to the anxiety that it brings.

as far as im concerned i have them all convinced. if *she came asking ME for another try that i would tell her no. just for the record, there is a time that i really believed that. basically, i probably would say no just for vanity sake and then pretend to let her talk me into it. i started to wonder if she was saying all those things about "our" future so she would have me to fall back on. she want. sick.

so. moving did two things: helped me gain perspective and forced me to slow down. i need to get my shit together if i want to get out of texas. i'm not going to worry about *her anymore - i know she's my girl. more than that she's an opportunist - its in her blood - and she's already had a taste of how good it can be. sick.

i don't know if its more sick that i acknowledge this sadistic nature of hers - or that i'm counting on it.

"i saw a light shining on a car.. and a couple inside had committed suicide. death in your arms / death in your arms. i saw a light, i saw a light coming through the trees... and I packed my things. getting smaller in the distance and I said goodbye." bat for lashes


i almost vomited twice while sitting in the court room waiting for something to happen. i wasn't really sure what was supposed to happen and once it was over i still wasn't sure what had actually happened. my understanding about it is that if i had not given up the name of my accomplice then they would have marched me right back into jail. im not sure what's wrong with me that i felt guilty about giving up his name.... but quite honestly i'm not willing to go to jail twice for him.

i am writing to you now from my same ol' red desk and from my most beloved imac - but in my very own bedroom. finally. lately, i had been feeling quite quite quite about *her and lady. when *she had had her sudo girlfriend in town i found that *she was all i could think of simply because i was not suppose to. and once she was gone.... things (inside my head, anyways) went back to normal. i found myself in tears, though, over lady just the other day. cried myself right to sleep. it was a surprising effort i was making to think of anything else when she popped in my head and the unexpected wave of emotion came surging through my tear ducts. i have decided to blame this occurrence on my period.

i had not spoken to either of them and i wasn't thinking to much about it until= 1. lady, suddenly had time to apologize to me for 'being a bitch.' she talked around the subject... trying to be subtle in her tactic of letting me know there had been someone else... and it was obvious she was tempted to ask me for advice. 2. roommate ran into *her last night and so *she called me when *she got home to tell me about some of the oh so nice things that were said about me. from there we ended up speaking to each other for about an hour. she reassured me that she was not dating that girl but that she was giving some serious thought to the idea of moving across the country to try. i told her i would be in town this weekend and that i had hoped to see her and that i hoped she was not going to be acting any differently towards me because of that girl. then she gave me some real reassurance and admitted that speaking with me was really refreshing because i always say exactly how i feel and what i think and because her girl did not. it was nice until i realized she was comparing us... though, i apparently won that round.

i would like to see her go to washington. even if it is for that girl. i love her so im going to let her go. i want her to be happy.

and then lady = boo fucking hoo. she kept on and kept on. enter epiphany. was i really dubbing myself down to converse with this little girl? have i been compromising my own wisdom and intelligence so that i could be seemingly relatable? what the fuck? i started to realize that the situation at hand was almost a play for what she could get out of it. in this case: an ipod. which is funny because that sounds like something i would do - when i was in high school.

i have been such an idiot.

"but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker
and it's getting colder and colder everytime you lose. so go ahead make your next bold move. tell us, what's the next thing you're gonna need to prove to yourself?" ani difranco

i went to the office to get the keys to start moving and found that my aunt had not faxed the paper over. this meant a myriad of things - all of which were no bueno. phone call after phone call and i had gotten no where. when i talked to my mother she insisted that i move back home - this weekend, on top of that. this is the last thing i wanted to do... but the only option i had. phone call after phone call and still i had gotten no where. i was dreading the conversation i was going to have to have with the roommate.

then she answered. we talked for about an hour. which means that i cried for about fifty minutes. finally, we came to an agreement. at two thirty she called to say she faxed the papers over. glorious. and just now i left a message for the apt lady to call me when it gets approved. glorious. crossing my fingers usually insures that something will go wrong - but god damn i hope i get to sleep in my own bed in my own room in our new apartment tonight. especially, because i have court in the morning and i need to get organized.

"oh how i have betrayed you. vicious woman of lies - my fingers wrought the truth. my health isn't what it should be and its just as well, like a record skipping. and just for the record you haven't been what you should be - like a tantalizing whore. you're always tantalizing me like 'myyyy heart myyyy heart' there you have been. there you will be." jk

i heart sabs. it was a good time.

i fell asleep on the way home and smashed my car into a concrete wall. its totaled. i think my nose is broken. mostly, im just shaken up about it. if it weren't for bad - i wouldn't have any luck at all. ha. i was surprised that as soon as it happened i wanted to call lady and not *her. i don't know what that means... and for THAT matter i don't want to think about what it could mean.

this incompetent child, the other day, tried to lecture to ME about priorities and perspectives. searching for praise for 'being able to put boys on the back burner and focus on grades.' he insinuated, by saying it outright, that it was improbable to revolve around girls the way i do. i certainly don't, but i started fretting just the same. i was wondering, by comparison, what it was this time last year that occupied my mind the most and i couldn't believe i had forgotten. my heart, there you have been. my heart, there you will be.

like when you learn a new word and all the sudden start hearing it everywhere all the time. it's always right in front of me... gawking at me.... teasing me... reminding me where i'm not.
i will find my way to you, love.

"augusten, if i write something beautiful will it squash the hurt thats living deep inside of you? augusten, are you just like me? does your hurt fade as you write out your history? i just want to know how you were able to survive so long with a wolf at the table." tegan

lady, no more.
i knew better. and i am better for it.

*she has her sudo gf in town this week. i got a call today from someone asking who she was holding hands with in the mall. now, i cannot get the imagine out of my mind. im only thinking of *her so much because im not suppose to think of *her at all.

five more days and i will have my own room again. perhaps that is the reason i feel no desire to make use. i haven't been feeling myself in that department. at first i felt comfortable placing blame on lady. but frankly, it wasnt THAT bad. it wasn't even 'that' bad. it was barely bad. foolishness.

tonight im going to a bbq for sab's bday. i have an idea of the assortment this even will attract. its much needed.

"don't think i'll escape. why would i escape you? don't think i'll replace. how could i replace you? and every second i spend waiting, drags me closer to this grave. i'm not alone. no, I'm just on my own. and I... it's a little cold outside. and don't be so hard on yourself, you won't get better til you're worse. so send your love my way." tegan and sara

today im feeling very nostalgic. nothing, as far as i can remember, about this day in the past has been really meaningful. but then again, perhaps i simply cannot recall it. i slept for twelve hours last night. my mind is a mess.

i came across a picture today and it was terrible to look at. the longer i looked the easier it became - not to look - but to let go. she(2) was told me that she would think about the things that she hated about me until it didn't hurt. i wonder, all the time, about these things.

last night i was exceptionally proud of myself for being 'okay' with what today would mean for you(1). today, to say the least, i am not so proud. i feel like my life is flashing before my eyes and there is nothing i can do to reach out and grab a hold of you. the 'in the mean time' is the hardest part.... especially when you are something that i know.

maybe if i hadn't come across that picture i would have a decent distraction, still.
i wonder, all the time, about those things. i wonder, further, if they are things i could even fix. sometimes i feel like it was all in my head - and i was the only one that was ever there.

"I don't know what I've done or if I like what I've begun. but something told me to run and honey you know me it's all or none. there were sounds in my head, lIttle voices whispering that I should go and this should end. oh and I found myself listening." missy higgins

dear jada, its two-thirty in the afternoon... i have a uhaul parked out front and today your life is going to change. youre moving out of your apartment and youre quitting your job - in exchange - ill pay for all of your bills and put you back in school until you can get on your feet to help me out.

what fool would say no to this? i said yes. i ruined my chances of rehire with the best paying job ive ever had, i ruined my friendship with my roommate at the time, and ive probably screwed my credit even further because when that lease is up shes going to stick it in my ass. but still, i said yes.

i moved in with my mother for a couple of weeks. thanksgiving happened... jada was everyones pitty party... their little DIY project. i was such a disappointment to everyone, apparently. my choices and decisions and hard work to reattribute them were not enough for anyone.

by december we had found an apartment and i was enrolled in school. i did a wintermester and fucking killed it. i was amazing. but it was a history class... so of course. spring semester comes and it kills me. i end up dropping out at about the time im told: 'i didnt know you had THIS many bills. how did you get all of these credit cards? youre going to have to help me out with this. youre not doing enough to help me out with this. you havent helped me with this at all. i cant afford to pay for all of your bills, jada, its just too much.'

well. i was paying all my bills. i was fine. i had great friends. i had a great apartment. i had a great time. i was paying all my bills. but i said yes.

so then, im told: 'well, im getting a divorce i wont be able to pay for your bills anymore because frankly i have to worry about myself now.'

well. although i have a job i love, i cannot afford any of the bills that you promised to pay. you threw me in a shark pit. you put me in an apartment i could never afford on my own, even with my old job, and now i am so far behind on all my credit card bills its not even worth it. what am i supposed to do? you fucked me in the ass and you didn't even pull my hair.

im so fucked. *she is right. im not a grown ass woman. i hate feeling like this.

i really just want lady in my arms. i want her face in my hands and her eyes in mine. i want her lips on my lips and i want her voice in my ear. i want to be so far entangled in her that it would take days to get the knots out. being this upset and feeling like i need her to feel balanced scares me. fuck for the distance between us. nuts.

"i love you in all the dangerous ways to keep my heart in shape for you love. as it turns out im a beggar for it - i will exchange for it. all this time you were serious and now its obvious. it crows like crows and its fallen from your hands." sarah jaffe

since loom. man.

shit hit the effin' fan with allllll things. lady has stolen my heart... much to the dismay of cancer. cancers old flame is roommate. i told her everything that happened and now im submerged in this drama battlefield.

i cant stop thinking about lady
it hurts.


"i love you in all the dangerous ways to keep my heart in shape for your love."

"you are the one-way glass that watches me standing in line at the bank. I always looked into your glasses like a cat looks into a fish tank. but all I could ever see was the specter of me reflected I want a monument of friendship that we never had, erected. I want it to take up lots of room I want it to loom." ani difranco

i bet your dying to know what i wound up doing last night, eh?

none of those things. i got all snazzied up.... and ended up staying home. as soon as i got finished bitching to you about cancer i walked in my kitchen and just really wanted someone to talk to and so i messaged her and told her i thought it was stupid that we couldnt be friends. she agreed. i know this isn't going to work. but i was bored and im really good with temporary anything.

she and the gf picked her best good friend up from the airport and came over here. luckily cancer was soo enthralled by her friend being in town that i was not put into any uncomfortable situations with her. however, this meant that gf had me in the corner all night. quite literally. and so i just wanted to say, about that, that im not sure if its the situation that is making me uncomfortable by her lack of boundaries... or that im generally made uncomfortable by people with lack of boundaries.

they both hugged me good bye. i actually like the gf. well, about as much i know her.
small doses, im sure, is key.

this afternoon cancer called to apologize for whispering that she loved me in my ear when she hugged me goodbye and justified it saying that she tells all her friends that she loves them. i told her i didnt even hear her say it. then she awkwardly changed the subject to something about the traffic - every time she speaks i find that im rolling my eyes at her.

is eye rolling when no one can see it much like a tree falling for no one to hear?

"every day and night / every day and night I can see your disco disco dick is sucking my heart out of my mind. I'm outta time. I'm outta fuckin time. I'm a gasoline gut with a vaseline mind, but wanna disco? wanna see me disco? let me hear you depoliticise my rhyme." le tigre

i went to greenville for a visit. most honestly, it was so i could break it to my aunt oh-so-gently that i wasn't going to have enough money for the lawyer.

so. i went back to denton on monday or tuesday, i don't remember now. i had SOS practice. the cancer wanted to hang out with me... but my night was already accounted for. so i told her if she wanted to see me that she could come to my practice. she did. i was leaving for *her house when the cancer propositioned me with 'just one drink.' a proposition that i, admittedly, cannot turn down. i stroll into lou's and find two people i would much rather hang out with (one was the leo)... so we all hang out. that night was chaos. i told *her i was at the bar and she showed up making things much more complicated. cancer, leo, and *her.

the night was coming to an end and my only hope at staying in a neutral zone was depleting. the cancer had dragged me into the bathroom several times. the leo had done the same. while waiting for *her to close her tab so we could leave... i quite literally had a cancer in one ear and a leo in the other and at the very same time they both grabbed my hands and started pulling in opposite directions. this pretty much sums everything up. except that i had long decided i wasn't interested in the cancer. she pushed and pushed and pushed... and i will not be backed into a corner, i pushed back. she even went so far as to make a bit of a scene about how i need to forget about *her and give her a chance because we were 'perfect' together. this made me want to vomit. i told her no. she told me not to call her. i told her that was okay.

i thought i had my mind made up about the leo. i was terrified that getting involved with her in anyway would be much like my situation with the cancer. i had told leo that i wanted to hang out with her more but that i was not looking for a relationship in anyway. she told me that she didnt think i was over *her. i find that statement to be neither here nor there. the next morning holds a different tale. *she told me she wishes more than anything that we could be together but knows that her future has much of me in store. im happy to know she still feels this way. if she didn't, i suppose, i would feel a bit betrayed?

in other news:

pam and diana broke off their engagement. as it turns out... pam has been asking the taurus out. poor diana. we never got to hang out. lesbians should have a slot on the discovery channel. im having a hard time deciding what to do. im suppose to go out with an old lady friend, but i also told diana i would meet up with her, andddd i promised my gay's i would come out with them. if thats not enough i agreed to go out for a drink with my friend from work.

what to do?

good.
im glad we agree.

i decided to drop all of my classes. the stress that i was experiencing from all of it was too much. in the moment that i decided that this was what needed to be done = immediate relief. i met my aunt down the street to tell her. she was upset, of course, but mostly she understood.

i also decided to quit my job at delias. last week i went to pick up my only two paychecks, used my discount to get 4 pairs of jeans, and then walked out knowing i was never going to be back.

i still have not received my w2 from the railyard. ive called them three times now and she says i should have it.

now that the basics are covered. heres whats really bothering me: i never go so far as to even say that im 'dating' or 'seeing' a girl - because im not even ready for THAT type of commitment. i say that im entertaining. so while i was entertaining the taurus... we hit a speed bump. i had made it clear that we would not be dating and i had further realized that i didn't even really like her -i explained to her, again, and she was hurt by this.

i met a cancer. i was interested in being her friend, only. she's amazing... great taste in most everything. we got along famously. i made the mistake of sleeping with her on the first night. not only is this a mistake to make with a clingy cancer... but a bigger mistake to do so with a clingy cancer who JUST got out of a relationship. so for the last week i've been dealing with her insecurities. i tried to keep a balance so that we could remain friends, but she became too intense too quick and it was all too overbearing for me to even comprehend.

i was supposed to have a date with a leo. but i called it off before it got started. apparently, she's looking to settle down. i must run.

im supposed to be having dinner with my 'diana' on tuesday. when i asked for her company she assumed i ment the both of them so 'pam' will be there as well. i miss having her as a friend. jamie really fucked that up for us. ive been so terrified that 'pam' has hated me for what he said to her that i haven't tried to contact them since. you're right, that doesn't look suspicious at all.

i got my haircut.

i spent this past weekend with *her. it was amazing. every time i think that ive got it under control.... i call *her up and the second i see *her i go insane. im happy that *she's got something going for her... and someone. *she deserves happiness... im only mad that im not apart of it anymore. i really believe that *she's strategically planted somewhere in my future. living with hope in my heart that one day i can call *her mine again... is enough for me right now.

i woke up prompt when my alarm sounded yesterday morning. i got in the shower. once i was finished i realized that i had taken my time and i worried that i might have made myself late. luckily, i hadn't. i got dressed, i ate some donuts, i checked my mail, and gathered my things. 11am came and i was about to walk out to my car to sort through my books when i sat down at my computer and decided to drop my 1130 am communications class, simply, because i haven't been in a really long time and i don't want to go now.

i send *her a text message and she calls me back 45 min later and asks me what is wrong. i'm quite certain that i hadn't left anything out. she replied, 'i'm not sure what you want me to do about all of this.' i told her i wanted her to tell me how stupid i was and tell me to pull my head out of my ass. and so she did - in far more words.

something that really stuck with me, though, she said she wasn't sure when i had stopped caring about what happened to myself but was curious as to why. i hadn't realized i didn't care about myself. everything she told me, with the exception of that, was amongst the long list of things i had already known. further, they were things that my aunt and mother called me every day to remind me of. something must be said about how none of it really occurred to me, though i already knew, until *she said it.

i had a stack of letters, approximately fifteen, from lawyers and i called about eleven of them today before i finally found 'the one.' he was the nicest of all of them, the most helpful, and by far the cheapest. im starting to feel like this isnt unbeatable. and im broke.

i talked to my aunt. she filed for divorce - which means we should all be terrified that our cars are going to get keyed in the near future. i suppose ill start parking my car in the back. luckily, my rent and car insurance is paid up for a couple months... and she still has access to their business account and is going to help me out on my car payment and electric for a couple more months. if i can just get past these tollway fines and lawyer cost - i suppose i can manage alright.

i wrote a really amazing song today. im very happy with it.

i just got off the phone with my mother and she was nothing short of successful in making me feel like a bigger piece of shit than i already felt i was. round of applause? yesterday, after i had spoken with *her and she told me what i needed to hear - i still never went to school all day. i got in my car at 345 pm and drove there and circled the parking lot and then left. something, is most obviously wrong with me, no? so last night i cooked myself dinner (hibachi chicken and rice) and i read a couple of chapters before i got into bed. then i turned on the latest podcast from my favorite talk radio and got in the hot tub for an hour. a straight hour of contemplation and calmness. it did some good, i believe. especially after speaking with my aunt and realizing that she really is divorcing him this time... because for me... that means that all that she had previously promised to pay for... she would no longer have the means in which to do so. this wouldn't have been such a blow had i not been fucking up quite so much.

tomorrow im going to class. im going to speak with all of my instructors and attempt to reason with them an explanation for my absences... and i might be lying when i do so. im not expecting their sympathy for my actions. in fact, i expect animosity from my audacity to justify what i had done wrong with something much greater that i had done wrong. none-the-less, its the last shot i got. i just want to find out if there is a grade worth salvaging. anything at all.

just maybe, i can box this pile of shit up and disguise it under a bow so that it may be presentable, at least.

i hope bryan curtis howard gets what's coming to him.

*she broke more than my heart when she left me. *she broke all of me. am i really not over this, still? seemingly, im fine for a super long extended period of time... and like clock work i come crashing down with all that i have built up. when i think of *her and our time together, i can honestly recognize how fucked ever last bit of it was. really. so, perhaps... my own life has just managed to be so much more fucked up that *she is the only thing that makes sense to me during this.

they always say that it gets worse before it gets better. but as a generalization, i don't like to generalize my life by what they say. i had my own place, i had a full time job and i made it work. in fact, i worked my ass off. is that not responsibility? was i not taking care of what needed to be taken care of? what was so horrible about the way that i was living my life that my aunt, of all people, found the audacity to stroll up and start judging my decisions and then throw money at the situation like it was going to scare away all the monsters under my bed? mo' money, mo' problems. but then again, that is what they say. so i took this with a grain of salt. if she wants to get me an apartment near dallas and pay for my school - great - ill live near dallas and go back to school. if my situation was so bad to begin with... then by deductive reasoning one could have suggested that this was going to happen. yet, no one did.

so under these circumstances, i quite technically could complain that i'm here and going to school against my will. im twenty-two and im still not finished with junior college. i find this to be far worse than those that i know that are older than me and have never even enrolled. they say that its better to try and fail than to never have tried at all. but then if thats really the way that it is.... they> should mark all of those "failures" off my record, no?

i really cannot fathom this. how have i spiraled so out of control? how did i managed to take one fucked up situation and multiply it into a billion others? how have i, once again, taken such advantage of the people handing out opportunities rather than the opportunities themselves? is this because im an only child and there is a chip in my brain that has never allowed me to stop being selfish? or is it because i am a child and there is a chip in my brain that has never allowed me to grow up? or am i really sitting in my all expenses paid apartment... further neglecting my homework and bills and court situation... to such an extent as to make up excuses like 'having a chip in my brain' as reasoning for being ridiculously stupid?

when did i become a DIY project and who the hell bought into my deceptive infomercial? i don't deserve a single thing that i have, it has all been handed to me, and yet i have managed to self-deprecate so much that even im convinced that its the least that can be done. i had no idea that i hated myself this much. i haven't felt this insane in months - and at least then i could chalk it up to my break-up with *her.

as much that is being done for me - i wish that none of it was. all of these horrible things happened so that i could learn a lesson and become a better person, right? they say, what comes around - goes around. i never believed in karma before because i had never gotten what i had coming to me. now that i have... im trying to place blame, still? when my thought process started as i sat down to write this i was planning on complaining about how no one cares about what i want to do or what i think. what i think is that everyone is full of shit and that they cant even run their own lives so why should they get to run mine? but if my thinking had been "right" up til this point then i imagine i wouldn't have found myself in such horrible situations like i have, "right"?

this is dumb. im dumb. all of the dumbest decisions that could have been made by one person in such a short amount of time... did happen. son of a bitch. ive always felt like such a bum for not being able to finish school and so i play this self-righteous game where im so much better than the entire educational system that i never needed them to begin with. so then, what is really the reason why i cant finish? am i dumb? like, the real kind of dumb?

i'm waiting on *her to call me back so that i can break down and cry about how i've made such horrible choices and then i put a magnanimous amount of pressure on *her to say something that is supposed to make me feel better. but i think just talking to her might make me fell better.

who am i kidding.
its going to make it worse.
i know this.

what do i know about a having a shitty week?

well.....


i thought i knew.

but now

i REALLY know.

i wont go too far into detail for fear of destroying my tiny salvaged sanity but heres a slight recap: on friday i had a weird 'not-a-date' with an ex, on saturday i got ditched, on sunday i got arrested, i lost my best friend, my freedom, and the tiny amounts of respect my family had for me, due to exhaustion and depression i skip all my classes on tuesday, on wednesday my aunt shows up declaring that she's finally divorcing her husband, she influences me to skip all my classes on thursday, that night i go to denton to get my birthday shots at midnight and no one shows up to celebrate with me, friday morning i have 23 missed calls from my mother screaming at me for going to denton, apparently my aunt went nutso and told her a bunch of lies and everyone freaked out on me and ruined my birthday, that night i managed to gather a handful of friends to eat dinner at razzoo's with me, the taurus gets really wasted and i decided that there could never be a relationship between us, saturday i invite her over to lawns for margaritas and everyone likes her (except me), sunday i stay home with a feeling of nostalgia and melancholy, later that night i go visit my friend karley and attempt to help her through her own breaking up break down.

i have to lie to my job about where ive been all week because its all tied into my arrest last sunday and if they find out ill get fired. i owe george bush toll way $286.

post script

im probably going to fail all of my classes since i haven't been in 2 1/2 weeks. normally this would just prolong my move away from texas / if the divorce is real this time im going fuck the shit out of this loop hole.

my week has been shit. getting called into work monday morning has ruined my groove. i stayed up until 6am tuesday morning talking to a taurus and realizing that which i could have assumed merely be knowing she was a taurus. regardless, i have a date with her on saturday. i applaude those who decide to become vegitarians or vegans but they dont know how hard it is for the rest of us to take them out to dinner because of this choice. the next morning i did not awake to go to school. i took my time getting ready and told myself i was going to make it by the next class... which turned into the last class... and alas... i never went. i was in such a funk from staying awake so long for a seemingly worthless cause. i dont know whats wrong with me because since that phone conversation and my decision to live and let die... ive come back around to the live part and want to juice my resources. do you think im a slut?

uh, oh. fat fatty is home... he's stomping around all over the place.

furthermore. i talked to *her tonight. i havent talked to *her in over a week, i believe. *she has asked me to come for a visit. i feel so refreshed being out of *her grasp and would like to continue feeling so fresh so clean. im just not sure that ive ever been able to resist *her.

ALSO. its been quite a while that ive met people that initially assumed i werent gay..... until now. there is a boy at guitar center making goo goo eyes at me and THE OTHER lesbian that works there was telling me she was 'into chicks' as if it were a new concept to me. what is this trick? no one really talks to me a delias.

the eclipse on the 6th is suppose to bring me great fortune. but then mercury retogrades and fucks shit up for me until mid march.

confound me
i sleep here and wake there
metal detectors and such
something just isn't right
he thinks so too

she sales sea shells
what a handful
sleuth

monday adjourned
i'm not so sure
DIY

-
believe me
believe me when i say
i don't want what i had
yesterday
-

mind over matter
sputter into song
push just a bit harder
yes, make me stronger

oh, my. the pleasure is all mine.
whelmed over instead of under
and stranger than strangers acting the same.
i thought i needed breakfast.

sing this song for me. hit a high c.
come around, go around. oh, my.
dance this dance for me. hold me up.
your day and mine. dust.

do with me what you will. woe this day
yours and mine. blood shot eyes.
being a liar is hard work, they say.
conflict resolution; let's burn the skies.

oh, woman. didn't you know?
it wasn't me. i was never there.
breath easy now. i wish you wouldn't go.
no, i'm not quite ready. and its just not fair.